Its funny how life changes, where it decides to take us. One day you can be alone, one day unloved, the next you have everything, then nothing again. We ride in circles through this ever-changing life, crossing paths, hopes, dreams, hearts. Yet we never really seem to know where we are going , we never know when or where it will end. Who will one day be your rock, the next day gone, through death, through misunderstanding or harsh words unknown. There are those that you love, who for reasons you can not help, may never love you. There are those that you hated, but maybe should have gotten to know. There are those you wish you cherished, but now is not the time or place, or at least that is how it seems.

We are all riding on the wave of emotion, carried away on the ebb and tide of some divine plan, acting out a story that may already be told. Is destiny and fate a given? Do we really have choice over the decisions we make, or is this all pretence? Is the world a predetermined story board, set on a single course? Does everything happen because that is what is ready made?

The words I write - am I meant to write them, at this conjecture in time?
They flow, they run, scrawling easily across the page. Tumbling from my brain.

The people I love, am I forced to love them? Is the choice to run free, a choice I do not have?

Our lives seem full of choices, decisions, consequences, but what if these things are only there to make us feel like we have some kind of freedom. Our choices are not out choices at all, our choices are our fate, set out already in a ploy to make us feel like we belong in this world, to make us feel that hope is true.

Our choices are not our choices at all, but a fevered dream bound by destiny.

I love autumn, but there seems to be no autumn. The world has gone suddenly from warmth, to wet, soggy chilliness. There doesn't seem to have been that slighty dry, cold, crispyness yet, where the leaves fall to the ground, into huge drifted piles, ready for kicking and crunching under foot. The leaves are falling, but they fall into a squishy heap of puddle filled mush. The sky is grey, yet it is still ever so vaguely warm. Warm, wet and gloomy. Where is the autumn that I love so? Where the leaves turn spectacular colours and float the ground like fairy dust, as I speed along under a canopy of technicolour trees. Where the world ignites in flame red, amber, gold, leaves twisting and turning in a wind blown fury. I want to jump in a pile of leaves, I want to stand under trees and let a multitude of colours float down around me. I don't want the rain, the rain that destroys my autumn, my childlike fun. The wind blows driving rain hard into the buildings, tearing leaves from trees, pushing sorrow into my heart. I wish for childlike fun. I wish to play and run. I want to kick leaves, make snowmen, be young at heart. Yet the rain, the greyness, the cold, fills me with an unnatural age, an unfamiliar feeling of maturity. It makes me sad, it makes me want to sleep, to hide away from the darkness and cold. I feel ill, the weather has brought with it a cold of dooom like proportions, I feel like I have cotton wool filling my body instead of my organs, and a hammer banging against my skull. I want to sleep. Sleep and hide away from the horror that is wintery gloom.

Cloudbursting

I feel like nothingness. I feel like a strange addition to this world, floating through the sky like a cloud which will burst into a million raindrops. I am not grounded, I am not stable, I sometimes wonder if I am even here at all. My thoughts race at lightspeed, twisting, turning, flitting from side to side, coming, going, dissapting as quick as they flash into my head. My thoughts like my life seem to have little purpose, little direction. My thoughts like my life have no way of knowing where they will go, what they will turn in to, how they will progress. I feel stagnant and still, unchanging as the world whizzes by, yet I also feel skittish, jittery, flighty as my mind roams off into a tangent of weirdness. As the winter closes in around me, the leaves fall from the trees admist the wet autumn skies I feel a deep depression pushing me down. I feel the darkness invading, I feel the pressure of pointlessness and indecisive helplessness crushing me, I feel the world crumble. Where do I go from here?

I think I have just experienced the 2 most surreal and obscure weeks of my life. It has been one of those times where your whole world flips upside down, where you know something major has changed and things are never going to be the same again. My stepdad passed away suddenly, without warning, and it has left my family in a weird stasis. Its like a major role reversal, I'm the parent, my mums the child. Only I'm not really the parent, I feel more like a slave, afraid to question, afraid to say no. I feel worn out, from the travelling, from the late, long phonecalls where all I can do is listen, from the responsibility. I have my own life, I have way too much going on in that to deal with everything my mum throws at me. I feel like I am on a high speed rocket, hurtling towards the edge of the earth. I'm guessing that soon I'll get to the point where the only way is up, I can't wait for that day.
This whole experience isn't all bad though. I've learnt to appreciate things more, learnt to appreciate people, learnt to love just a little bit harder. Maybe even learnt to experience life a little more. I've learnt that it can all end so unexpectedly, that for all the plans and dreams you have, you need something for today, just in case it is your last day on earth. I have learnt to respect the love that others give, and to never leave without letting those you love know that you love them. I appreciate the beauty that is around me, the colours and sounds, the senses, the feel of rain on my skin, the warmth of the sun. Its not that I haven't always appreciated those things, just that they mean so much more when you have stared your own mortality in the face, when you realise that your not invincible. Life is changes, life is full of wonder, life will throw so many things at you, and you know what I'm happy to be alive through all of it, through the pain, the tears, the joy, the laughter. I'm happy to be.

Anyway aside from my crazy musings and lamentations....
I still need to post pics of my shiny new navel piercing... because well I think you all deserve to see it. My pool playing is finally beginning to kick ass....I'm actually considering opening a pool hall for kick ass girls. My guitar playing sucks, because well I just haven't had chance to practise, but it will get better! GTA: San Andreas has begun to take over my life, when I'm not working, cleaning or sorting out my mum. SOAD are still rocking my socks off unbelievably goddamn I adooooore the new album! Today is the day that the new Foo's album comes out...guess what I'm going to buy on my lunch break :D and then listen to all day at work whilst dealing with peoples issues on the phone!

Questions for your brain cells to ponder:

1)The most daring thing you have ever done?
2) The hottest thing you've ever experienced?
3) 5 qualities that make some one irresistible to you?
4) most orgasms in one night?
5)The last thing you said?
6) The last thing you listened to?
7) would you rather drink cold tea or cold coffee?
8) Feet, erotically beautiful or disgustingly off putting?

Since last time I updated..

Ok sooooo its been a while since I have said anything really! So just to keep you updated my lovely lovely people I shall give you a quick rundown of whats been occuring!

Rocked my world in the past 2 weeks:

Having my navel pierced.........its soooooooo pretty :)
Seeing the video to Tribute by The D \m/ for the first time...omg Jack Black I <3 thee and want your crazy rock babies!
Getting hooked on Viva la Bam and Pimp My Ride since getting cable for the first time.....I need my ride pimped damn it, I am soooo addcited to that show....and well Viva la BAM...er need I say more??
Starting back working where I was, eveeeeeeerybody knows me already so that pretty much rocks.
Getting veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery drunk and playing giant Jenga whilst listening to crazy live music in Oneills.
The boy, oh god yes the boy.
Sexy dancing just for the hell of it
The prospect of going to see Staaaaaaaaaaaaar Wars Ep 3 tomorrow oooooooooh hell yeah!!
The new SOAD album *bounces*
Hearing The Blood Brothers for the first time
Learning to play Toxicity on my guiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitar! (slowly....but still)

What dragged me down:

My new navel piercing....its was fine now it just looks angry and feels itchy
Having to clean my new navel piercing and being constantly late for work because of it
Not getting to see the boy too much :(
Not being able to get on SG from work so I can't keep up with y'all.......I resolve to be here more and entertain you lovely people.
Actually all fairly minor stuff.....so thats pretty damn good!

Its been reaaaaaaally damn hectic to be honest.....barely had time to breathe, I seem to have suddenly gained a social life after 26 years of mimbling in solitary confinement. Its soooooooo weird and it kinda rocks!!!! Sooooo yeah!! oooooh I have stuff to do, no actually tonight for the first time in 2 weeks I will actually get time to just chill out with ma PC and reply to you gorgeous people that I have been neglecting, look at some hot sexay nekkid chicks and listen to some v loud music!!!

Questions:

1) top 5 things that have rocked your socks off this week?
2) top 3 things that have sucked (cos we shouldn't dwell on the negative my friends)? (whoa was I just optimistic?
3) The last album you purchased/downloaded (naughty!)
4) The last gig you went to?
5) What colour underwear do you have on?
6) Are toe-socks the most disgusting thing ever??
7) The sexiest place you've ever got down and dirty?

ramble

The future is a strange and wonderful thing. Noone really knows what it holds, but everyone is striving to perfect it. Noone really has control over it, yet everyone thinks that they can make it the way they want it to be. When the future becomes the past, we all have regrets, we all know there were things that we would have done differently. That perfect moment, maybe tomorrow, that thing that we plan to do, can it ever match up to what we truly expect of it?? Our lives need to be about the now, we as a species spend way too much time worrying about the past or the future, ignoring the wonder of the moment. Too many things pass us by because we are dreaming of a different life, or worrying about what we could have done differently. The world needs to think of the future and of the past, but it needs not to dwell. Live for now, learn from your mistakes and build your future through the experiences you have.

We are all lost souls, floating through life trying to justify our existence. Each one of us wrestling with our own personal demons, each one trying to survive. When two lost souls come together, its almost as if they are not lost anymore, at least when they are together. They have purpose, they have meaning, they are there to help the other find their way in this short and brutal life. Each lost soul desires friendship, to find their way, but when two lost souls fall in love, the world becomes a different place. They become not so lost anymore, because they have feeling, they have joy, they have someone to occupy the feelings of being lost. They have someone to cherish, to nurture. Even when two lost souls are brought together in the most difficult of circumstances, when things seem at there worst, they know that the pain is worth it, to feel and love and experience each other, to be. We are all lost souls, but now, I am a lost soul with purpose, with love, with a reason to be.

3 Minute Silence

This is what I wrote today in the 3 minute silence.
We take too much for granted in this world. We assume the people we love will always be around - it doesn't matter if you leave them on bad terms, it doesn't matter because next time you see them it will be better, you can talk it through. But what if we never see them again? What if we are left like the thousands of families - waiting, hoping for news or devestated by loss in the Asian Tsunami. Just one moment can alter our lives forever, flip our worlds around. Just one moment can make us lose everything we take for granted - our homes, our loved ones, our possessions, sometimes even our faith. We need to begin to experience, to wonder, to explore those things that we take for granted and cherish them. When something of this magnitude happens it rocks the world, it affects even those that haven't lost people. Donate, volunteer, do anything you can.
If you only learn one thing, learn that the people you love need consideration, they need to experience your love, tell them, show them - learn that they aren't just there. They are part of you. Know how it would feel to not have them around if you lost them - would you still hold a grudge? Would you feel guilty for not telling them that you cherished them? Remember you loved ones, even if you still have them. Remember the good times and keep them with you when maybe you don't see eye to eye with someone. Its ok to have differences, its wrong to hold them against people. Realise that we can exist together without having the same opinion, realise that sometimes our differences can make us stronger. You never know what is going to happen. Live each moment and make it worthwhile.
take care,

sinope xx